2017 – There are no words. Actually, there are a lot of words, but I am not going to do a deep dive here today…I’ll save that for another day. Let me clarify by saying that there is no singular event that “happened”, nothing acutely traumatic or anything like that. It was more like all of my circumstances had shifted over the course of several years – and who I was, who I had become, and the person I wanted to be, were in conflict, and I felt overwhelmed and was having trouble coping.
It was time to hit the refresh button. I felt like an old house – I had a good foundation and great bones but was in desperate need of a major renovation to bring me back to my original greatness – to help me identify, accept, and LOVE who I really am. I required more than a paint job but thankfully did not require a complete gut. I asked for a recommendation from a friend I trust, and then I reach out for help. You wouldn’t undergo a major renovation without at least enlisting a contractor, right?
So I started seeing “K”. A few months into our sessions (in the beginning I was going every week or so) I sat across from her and admitted that I really didn’t want to come that particular day, and had been very close to canceling but allowed myself a HomeGoods visit to propel me out the door, knowing that once I was out of the house and essentially across the street I would feel more accountable and less likely to cancel. K wasn’t surprised – and told me we were at the precise stage in therapy where most people quit. We had officially delved into “the hard stuff”. You know, the part where we have to start talking about ME! We had moved through all of my stories, and moved into how I was going to deal with them. Because, you know, that is all we can control – how we react to everything we must face in this life and the cards we are dealt. And while my head knew this, my heart just wasn’t getting the message.
Taking inventory of my life like this was painful, not to mention exhausting. But something else K said that day also stuck with me – in essence she said it was important to not give up because I was on the right path, and once I arrived on the other side and looked back, I would be able to see with clear eyes just how much has changed. You know, kind of like a renovation. It is a huge pain in the ass, disruptive as hell, exhausting, many tears are shed, and it always takes longer than you want it to, right? Well, that is a lot like how 2017 was for me.
But then a funny thing happened – my mind and my heart finally got on the same page. They just clicked one day! Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not doing cartwheels down the street and skipping through the grocery store – but I do feel healthy, content, and light – quicker to laugh, more patient with my girls, and confident enough to speak my truth and present my authentic self. Homes aren’t built in a day, renovations don’t happen overnight, and I am a work in progress. I am evolving, I am trying, and I have the courage to keep going. After all, just like a house, there is always room for improvement.